You Have ______ Messages
by fast84er
Summary: A funny fic about what would be on the character's voicemail. It mocks and bashes about everybody. Now Includes Chapter 2!!!
1. Jake

I read a fic about voicemails for main characters of a show once (I think it was LFN) and worked witchblade into the format.   
This fic in pure fun and good humour. As you read, I'm writing Nottingham's. If you're easily offended by character mocking or bashing, Don't read.  
  
  
Jake McCartey comes home from a very long day. He checks his messages.   
  
(V.O.)  
You've reached Jake.  
If you want to leave a message for Jake   
Mcdummi the surfer, press one.   
To leave a message for Jake   
McCartey the detective, press two.  
To leave a message for Jake   
Mcblonde the FBI agent, press three.  
To leave a message for Jake   
Dum-Blaund the circus freak, press four.  
If this is the guy who beat me up at   
The Rialto, just say when and where and I'll   
Show up to get my ass kicked.   
No, I mean kick your ass.  
Damn, how do I restart this? (random shuffling)  
  
  
CLICK. BEEP.  
  
SARA (V.O.)  
Hey Jake, did you get new roommates or something?  
They sound a lot like you. Except the circus guy, his  
Voice sounds cooler then yours. He has a cooler name  
Too. Guess what, I cut off O'Linski's head!   
He just called me a slut one too many times, and   
Swish- Don't tell Dante  
CLICK. BEEP.  
  
  
DANTE (V.O.)  
McCarty, what's up with this voicemail?  
I demand that you meet me to talk about   
Pizzini. Somebody cut off O'Linski's head!  
I know it was her damnit!   
CLICK. BEEP.  
  
  
NOTTINGHAM (V.O.)  
I'm warning you blonde, stay  
Away from Sara! She's mine. If you don't,  
I'll put it on the intercom that you  
Went to a gay club, and liked it!  
(beat)  
by the way, meet me outside the precinct,  
today at noon to get you ass kicked…  
again.  
CLICK. BEEP.  
  
  
SARA (V.O.)  
So here's the deal. I'm  
Filing a restraining order against you. I mean  
Really. It's like every guy I run into thinks  
I'm their long lost love or something. And if you   
come near me, I'll slice your hea-, I mean, I'll  
Dutifully report you to the court and make you  
Pay a fine. Yeah, that's it…  
CLICK. BEEP.  
  
  
SARA (V.O.)  
Yeah, Jake Mcblonde, FBI? I'm a former  
Friend of Jake's. Listen, I'm having some problems  
With stalkers lately. Everywhere I go, someone's  
Following me like a puppy dog. Then my friend Vic   
Said that I lead guys on. That is so not true.  
(beat)  
So anyway, being an FBI agent, that must  
Be pretty cool. So much more   
Important then being a junior detective  
Or a priest or an assassin or a songwriter.  
(beat)  
So, wanna go out sometime?  
CLICK. BEEP.  
  
  
NOTTINGHAM (V.O.)  
I heard about the restraining order.  
Na-na-na-na boo-boo  
I win! I win! Now that that's  
Taken care of, I demand you resign from  
Your job and move away to another state.  
If you don't, I'll slice your head off.   
And don't even think about chickening out  
Of our fight today.   
(beat)  
you have exactly 1.5 hours to call to resign.  
CLICK. BEEP.  
  
  
GABRIEL (V.O.)  
I went down to the precinct to look  
For you or Sara, and I heard this announcement  
On the loudspeaker that you went to gay clubs.  
Is that true. Is it?  
(beat)  
the loudspeaker guy also said not to   
miss your fight. I wouldn't if I were you.  
The whole precinct's going to show   
Up to watch you get your ass kicked.  
I mean, to watch you kick his ass.  
(slight snickering in background).  
CLICK. BEEP.  
  
  
DANTE (V.O.)  
What's this I hear about you being gay  
McCartey? We don't allow any gay White Bulls  
Except for the former O'Linski and myse-  
(beat)  
(more angry)  
The point is that it would hurt our  
Rep if people found out about gay vigilante  
cops. And I've found a way for you to   
solve it. Your going to show up to that  
Fight today. And if you lose,   
I'll have to believe you're gay,  
and I'll slice your head off.  
CLICK. BEEP.  
  
  
NOTTINGHAM (V.O.)  
You have 45 minutes to resign, 50 minutes   
Until I kick your ass…  
CLICK. BEEP.  
  
  
NOTTINGHAM (V.O.)  
You have 4 minutes to resign, 9 minutes   
Until I kick your ass  
CLICK. BEEP.  
  
  
DANTE (V.O.)  
Damn Jake, I can't believe you lost after everything   
I told you. That guy totally kicked you ass.   
No gay white bulls allowed. I would send someone   
out to kill you, but when those camera crews left  
they were thinking about putting it somewhere  
on the local news and I figured I'd let  
that humiliate you for a while before you go.  
By the way, I got your resignation. Pretty  
smart McCartey. I hear the entire state of  
New York's after ya. Good luck outunning  
Us. You'll need it. If I don't get you, Pizzini,  
The scary guy in black, the ghost in Pizzini's   
Apartment or your credit card guys will!!!  
CLICK. BEEP.  
  
  
GABRIEL (V.O.)  
I'm sorry I couldn't come to the fight  
I was advertising it online and time just   
disappeared! But that's OK, I saw it on the local news.  
And this other guy has some digital pix online.  
That dude in black totally kicked your ass. He looked really   
familiar too…Anyway, I called again because you  
Never answered my calls. No one ever   
Answers my calls.   
(beat)  
so, my question is, are you gay?  
You can tell me. Really.  
CLICK. BEEP.  
  
The end. What did you think. Tell me. Go on. You know you want to.  



	2. Ian

Yes, this is my next chapter. I'm not sure who's next, but I'll have it up by Monday. Rating is still the same. Witchblade still doesn't belong to me (if anyone honestly thought that it did, I don't think their treatment facility would allow computer access anyway). Also, this chapter has some of the same ideas, but is in no way related to the other chapters. Timeline wise it's after Conchobar's dead.   
  
  
Poor Nottingham has had a hard few days, and comes home to his answering machine.   
  
NOTTINGHAM (V.O.)  
You have reached a number that  
Does not exist. Please correct your   
Mistake.   
(beat)  
(longer beat)  
If you have dialed this number  
Purposely, stay on the line for more info.  
If your name is Irons, press 0 at any  
Time. If this is Sara, press 1 my sweet.  
If this is Jake, press 2. If this is anyone else,  
Get off my answering machine or I'll kick your ass!  
  
  
SARA (V.O.)  
I pressed one, and it went into this   
Love, sex-orientated message that at least has an  
R censor. Freak. I tried to file a restraining  
Order against you too, but the courts say  
You don't exist. Now everyone thinks I'm insane  
Because I "imagine people who aren't there".  
CLICK. BEEP.  
  
  
IRONS (V.O.)  
Ian, I'm getting very upset. I pressed 0  
And it cut me off! This is not funny. Didn't I   
Warn you that if you didn't behave I'd take away  
The plastic gun? I will Ian, don't push me!  
CLICK. BEEP.  
  
  
IRONS (V.O.)  
Sara's filed a restraining order against me.  
Me! I can't believe it. I was offended at first,   
Then I started to think about it. Her looks are   
Starting to wane, and she doesn't seem to be  
Doing much in the intelligence department,  
Not to mention her taste in men. I think if  
I heard Chocolate-Bar/Crappybar/Cardboard,  
Ramble on about his bloodline one more time….  
CLICK. BEEP.  
  
  
DR. VOISE (V.O.)  
Ian, it's Dr. Voise. As your psychiatrist,   
I felt it was my duty to tell you that  
A Sara Pezzini was brought in for a pysch.  
Evaluation today. She's not quite like you   
Described her. beautiful, graceful, and  
Kind- I believe were your words. Well, maybe it's me  
But when she came in kicking, screaming, cursing  
And spitting-well I just got a different   
Impression. Also, I know it's the one you  
Described because true to you word,  
A trial of headless bodies was left from  
Her apartment to the facility.   
(beat)  
At your next appointment, I want to   
Discuss this. It seems…odd that you would  
Be drawn to such an outspoken woman. On   
The way in, we removed her bracelet, and she  
Starting threatening the entire staff with restraining orders.  
CLICK. BEEP.  
  
  
IRONS (V.O.)  
She whines too much. I mean really,  
It's just a bracelet after all. How intelligent   
Can it's choices possibly be?! I've decided to   
Order that she be committed. And I'm going  
To file a restraining order against her!!! That'll  
Show her to file a restraining order against  
Me...Jeez, you try to kill a girl a few times  
And they take it so personally.   
CLICK. BEEP.  
  
  
JAKE (V.O.)  
I press to and it say that I A "Token   
dumb blond, and delusional for ever going  
after Sara." What's delusional? Does it mean  
smart? I am. When I sixteen, I'm smartiest  
people in my 3rd grade class. Hah! I go by-bye  
now. It my bedtime. Call ya tom-tom-???  
(beat as Jake seems to rack his brain)  
Call ya later Eatit!  
CLICK. BEEP.  
  
  
SARA (V.O.)  
Ian, it's me. They have me locked  
Up. I'm not insane. Damn them!!! They put  
Me under this hypnosis where they found out   
I think there's a ghost in my apartment, that  
I have sentient jewelry, and that Conchobar is   
Interesting. That last one isn't even true! Come get me   
Out of here now! If you do, I'll love you.  
(beat)  
also, could you do a load of laundry. When   
they were putting me in my straight-jacket, I   
realized that I had a load of whites I didn't get   
a chance to do. And use fabric softener. If you   
do, I'll love you.   
CLICK. BEEP.  
  
  
IRONS (V.O.)  
I heard that last message. You can get  
Her out and do her laundry, but consider yourself  
Dead if you use the fabric softener ( then quietly)   
that'll make her pay…restraining order...why I oughta...  
CLICK. BEEP.  
  
  
JAKE (V.O.)  
I know how to use the telefon!  
CLICK. BEEP.  
  
  
DR. VOISE (V.O)  
Ian, it's me, Dr. Voise again. Even  
Though your inquires into Ms. Pizzini's state are   
Well intentioned, I would normally refuse you under   
Patient confidentiality. But since your psychiatrist bill  
Is being paid by Osama B- I mean Kenneth Irons  
(mumbling) I hope this number isn't tapped…,  
(back to normal) Anyway, we gave her some   
drugs to help with her agitation, and it's taken  
an interesting turn for…well…  
CLICK. BEEP.  
  
  
SARA (V.O)  
(in a tone sounding quite paranoid, insane)  
Ian, come quickly. I think the dark sorcerer   
Known as Dante is coming to finish me off!   
And everyone in this hospital is against me. But   
We'll win, and save the universe from the dark ones.  
All we have to do is find the Magic Stone in the   
Sacred Mountain. The order to the universe  
Will be restored, and I, Supreme Queen Sara   
Shall be ruler and only important person in the   
Universe, again!!!  
CLICK. BEEP.  
  
  
JAKE (V.O.)  
I cam handle the wirst terrists in the world.   
I know how spell M-C-C-A-R-T-E-Y,   
I'm Blonde Jake, and I can do anything!  
CLICK. BEEP.  
  
FADE OUT... 


End file.
